McDonald Breakfast Meals :-|

Anyone and everyone who knows me know for a fact that I am not an early bird and infact nearly always get up late and always have to make a quick dash to work to get there in time. Rarely, if ever, do I have the most important food of the day, i.e. breakfast. If at all I do, it is generally a banana, so I myself was pleasantly surprised when I got up really early today, infact I got up at 6am, and today is my day off as well. There I was sitting up on my bed feeling slightly groggy but thinking to myself, I have to use this day to the best of my ability, so I jumped off my bed naked, which was pretty awkward cos I remembered sleeping in my boxers. As I stepped of the bed, there on the ground lay my boxers, how it got there...well your guess is as good as mine, one thing for sure, I did sleep alone yesterday.

Anyway went and brushed my teeth and decided to go jogging. By this time it was 7am, I opened my front door, stepped outside smelt the fresh morning air, felt frost on my nose and then coldness running through the rest of my body and decided Nah...I am heading back in. So I came back in and played aroun with Photoshop until 10am, then decided to actually have breakfast for a change. Closest place would be McDonalds and my tummy was actually growling for a burger.

So still in my tracksuit headed down to McDonalds and rather sleepishly asked the lovely looking lady behind the counter for a double cheeseburger with all the trimmings, to which she replied, "Sorry Sir! We Dont have any double cheeseburgers!". Hold on a minute, I was sleepy but not that sleepy that I had walked in to another restaurant, I was 100% positive that I was in McDonald's, McDonald's without Double Cheeseburger was like Laurel without Hardy, this was unthinkable, hence not being put off by the reply, requested for a double cheeseburger again. The lady responded back by saying "Sorry sir, we only serve breakfast meals until 10:30am!"....I thought to myself okay fair enough, I might have been early and I decide to go for their breakfast meal after looking at the POS situated above the tills.

I paid for my meal and while the lady was packing my meal, the manager comes and changes all the Breakfast Meal POS to normal McDonald POS...I was like hold on a second little lady....Somethings wrong here...She was "Sorry sir, but you were a minute early, you came in at 10:29 when we only serve breakfast meals..."...and then she gave me this gorgeous smile. I lost my double cheeseburger meal because of one bloody minute, you have to be kidding me. While I was about to lose my temper at her, she gave me one of her gorgeous smiles again and I could not find it in my heart to have a tantrum at someone who smiles at me this early in the morning, so I decided to just go have my breakfast meal. Which to be honest was really good to tell you the truth and probably healthier than a double cheeseburger. I got a muffin with bacon and fried egg and it cost me a lot less than the double cheeseburger which would have been a lot more dearer.

So I guess, by going to McDonalds a minute earlier, I managed to save on my damage and also got a pretty girl to smile at me quite a few times. Maybe I should really make an effort to have breakfast more often....hmmm!

The Toilet Paper

Has anyone ever been to the toilets in central London?? Bloody Hell!! They charge you like 50p (And that's pretty cheap apparently) for a dump. What has this world come to when you have to pay to shit.. ??

Try hunting for change in your pocket after you had a chicken tikka masala the day before and all you want to do now is relieve yourself. Well, thatz the situation I found myself in 4 months ago... Having to meet a client (sounds more sophasticated) in Central London, I rush off early forgetting my early morning ritual. So there I was in front of a Portakabin toilet, begging people for change and feeling like I would erupt. Seeing my distress, a kid (God Bless Him) hands me his 50p and I go into answer nature's call.

Then this is where pure torture starts.... THE TOILET PAPER!!! The meanest, roughest, hardest toilet paper I have ever used in my whole life!!! And I paid 50p for it!!! The least they could have done was put an Andrex in....NO!! Newaz, I end up doing what I had to do and ended up walking like a penguin for the next 3 days.!!!

The reason I remembered this story, is because a mate of mine sent me the following poem as an attachment. I really know how the victim must have felt....Enjoy!!!!

Here's this poem by Mark Feldman

In the store, whilst buying butter,

I met this Indian bloke,

Who came in from Calcutta.

He asked of the shopkeeper,

When at the counter he did stop,

"Do you have toilet paper,

Here in your lovely shop?"

"Yes, I have lots of brands,

On my shelves, mate, look right here.

I have Softly's and I have Sorbent."

But he said, "Oh no, too dear!"

"I need the most inexpensive,

That you have in your store,

For I come from Calcutta,

And I am very, very poor."

"Yes, I think I can accommodate you,"

The shopkeeper then did say,

"I have No-Name brand paper,

And it's real cheap, mate, eh !"

He said, "Oh, that will be the one,

I am very pleased to see,

Give to me your No-Name paper,

And I'll take it home with me."

But alas, just three days later,

He came back in a fit,

"Here, take back your John Wayne paper,

I am bloody sick of it!"

"No, hang on mate, settle down,

It's not John Wayne, you see,

This is No-Name toilet paper,

That you've given back to me."

"Oh, no, you are very wrong,"

The Calcutta man replied,

"This is John Wayne paper,

That you sold to me" he cried.

"For I swear by my elephants,

And on the Bible of the Gideons,

It is rough, and it is tough,

And it takes no shit off Indians !!"

LOL....I am easily amused I guess...hehe!

Love at First Sight!!

I am someone who has never believed in falling in love at first sight...thought it was just wishful thinking by dreamers...never thought that would happen to me...& still cant believe it did....Well, bet you all are dying to hear the story...so here it goes....I was at Sainsbury's the other day doing my weekly shopping of Five Alive & Creme Custards...not expecting that my life would change forever at that particular moment...I was by the dessert chiller about to grab my creme custard...when right next to me a gorgeous girl with straightened shiny black hair & brown highlights, wearing a sleeveless top bends down to grab something from the chiller...so my eyes naturally wander down her arms to her hand...this is when everything changed...there she was picking up the Sainsbury's Strawberry Trifle...As soon as I saw the red packaging with the tri-layered dessert...I knew I had to have it...never before had I ever been filled with such temptation...I could feel the butterflies in my stomach. I grabbed myself a pack and rushed off to the counter forgetting all about my other shopping. Paid for it with a Twenty Pound note...to make sure that the trifle didn't feel cheap...Grabbed the next bus home...Went into my room...locked the door...Took out my disposable spoon & lunged it in to the trifle...& had a whole mouthful...Layers of Strawberry...Mixed Fruit Jelly...Light Sponge...Creamy Custard...Decorated with Fresh Whipped Cream.....There is no better feeling when it trickles down ur throat...Very Orgasmic....I am no longer in search of a girl (& no I am not Gay!!)...I am going to get a job in Sainsbury's....So if you see anyone hanging around the dessert chiller 24/7 screaming in pleasure...that would be me!!!! I have finally fallen in love!!!!

Me and My Didgeridoo

My mate just came back from Australia and one of the things she got me was a didgeridoo...yeah that is right, she got me hollow wood. So I am holding on to this piece of long wood and not really sure how to play it and hence decided to do a bit of investigation into it. This is what I have learnt about it so far for those interested in going out and buying a didgeriddo yourself.

According to one rendition of an aboriginal legend, the first man wanted to please the sky. He put a hollowed branch to his mouth and began to play. With the force of his breath, the termites living in the hollow branch were expelled from the open end and became the stars.

Interesting...so what I have learnt from all this so far is that, screw astronomy and the theory that stars were created during the Big Bang, they were infact created by a man blowing a hollow piece of wood, now isnt that much more easier to study than all that difficult astrophysics they teach us in school? I bet Gallileo would be kicking himself in the grave if he knew about this.

I also found out some other inetersting facts about the digeridoo -
10 DIDGERIDOO FACTS
1. Possibly the world's oldest musical instrument
2. A wind instrument originally found in Arnhem Land, Northern Australia.
3. Is made from limbs and tree trunks hollowed out by termites (insects).
4. Is cut to an average length of 1.3 metres and cleaned out with a stick. or hot coals.
5. Was used as an accompaniment to chants and songs.
6. Produces a low-pitch, resonant sound with complex rhythmic patterns.
7. In sure tribal groups only played by men but in most groups by men, women and children.
8. Traditional various forms at the didjeridoo where found in Central Australia around Alice Springs.
9. The Didgeridoo is the sound of Australia.
10.If the earth had a voice it would be the sound of the Didgeridoo.

So the next question was, how do I play this thing? I have always sucked at musical instruments, I remember my music teacher trying to teach me to play the flute for 2 years and eventually giving up on me cos I couldnt even get the basic rhythm after 2 years of him putting in a huge amount of effort on me, God Bless his Soul. So how the hell was I gonna learn this then, well this seems a lot easier to play, it cannot be rocket science could it?

I found the following website that showed me the basics...
http://www.didgeswedoo.com.au/didgeridoo_lesson.html

The secret is apparently the drone sound and the circular breathing. I am gonna keep practising until I get as good as this guy...

Ebonics and Gangsta Talk

Everyone I know..know how much I hate people who talk/write in this fashion...as if they have just stepped off the sets of a Snoop Dogg video...I have heard enough reasons as to why they talk like that...but it still aint good enough of an excuse...below I have decided to write in Ebonics so ppl who talk/write in this way can understand my point...Enjoy!!!

On da 'net or off, "gangsta" jive makes me wants ta reach out an' slap someone. It wuz born out o' ignorance an' lack o' education, an' it'ssomehow become "hip" ta celebrate havin' da IQ o' uh potato. How da hell iz we's supposed ta raise uh nation o' literate an' educated adults when dey, in da werdz o' Stewart Gilligan Griffin, don' actually speak da language so much as chew on it an' spit it out? The rest o' da civilized world learns proper English so dat dey may communicate wiff da West in bidness an' science. Da country of English Origin dat iz Britian- uh land dat iz slowly becoming illiterate in der own language. There'suh huge number o' peeps who don' even speak English in dis here country, or don' speak it fluently enough ta function without uh translator. Those dat *do* speak da language iz destroying it wiff deez lame-ass **standardizations. Ebonics iz not, an' never will be, uh "real" language, nahh matter how many dictionaries iz made. It'smerely an attempt ta legitimize somethin' dat wouldn't exist had kids paid attention during they grammar studies. I see some folks here saying "I'm educated, an' I jive like this". Sure, why not? It'snot yo' normal mode o' speech, an' you definitely in da minority in dat regard.

You gots ta know da rules in order ta be allowed ta break dem. I fully believe da majority o' da peeps who throttle they native tongue in dis here fashion *don't* know o' any other way, an' *won't* be able ta switch ta proper English on uh job interview. Language iz uh means ta convey ideas. If ya can git yo' ideas across, you've communicated, correct? Well, not entirely. One particularly idiotic facet o' gangsta jive iz how quickly it morphs into somethin' even mo' mad stupid. When wuz da last tyme ya heard somebody use da term "def"? The rap world held uh "funeral" fo' da werd uh few years back, signifying dat it became too mainstream ta keep usin'. So in other werdz, da language ain't tight unless da only peeps who can dig' ya iz yo' "homies". Sort o' defeats da purpose o' learning how ta communicate if nahh one can dig' ya. I don' dig' it when peeps jive ta me like dis here. If ya speak ta me in dis here fashion, I will immediately brand ya uh moron an' tell ya ta git uh dictionary. I'll also laugh at ya behind yo' back fo' usin' werdz like "foshizzle" in serious conversation. It's become mo' widespread primarily due ta da mainstream acceptance o' urban culture due ta MTV turning into da "All Rap Channel", which means kids'll do it 'cause dey seen it on MTV an' MTV iz da shizzle. Oh, d*mn. So uh, in short... yeea . It's lame. Grow up, git uh dictionary, an' learn how ta speak da same language da rest o' us do. A particular musician once sang, "it don' matter if you black or white" (and he would know, he's been both). Learn how ta conjugate da verb "to be". I guarantee you'll be uh bettah person fo' it.

Peace & Respect Bludz
- B.I.G Skarsten & X-Pac Niro

Halloween Howler

There I was sitting on my bed reading an interesting piece of non-fiction about coffee, yes you read right...About Coffee! I am not a big caffeine lover so thought if I read a book on coffee rather than drink it; I could trick my mind into thinking that caffeine was now running through my cells invigorating them and I could get this project I had completed on time. I think you could call it a form of Neuro Linguistic Programming where you get to make your mind believe what you want it to believe.

Guess that did not work because 5 minutes after starting to read, the sandman had decided to sprinkle some sand in to my eyes, and there I lay for an hour or so cuddling my security blanket (yes I have a very sensitive side) until I would have to say rudely awoken by the door bell. Who could this be on a Thursday at 8pm? It couldn’t be anyone for me, could it? Considering the fact that I have been single for longer than I wish to reveal and also the fact that none of my mates ever visit my den on a weekday, I was contemplating going back to sleep.

The bell had this really irritating music that my housemate though would be pretty cool, the sound from this bell was more irritating than even anything the talentless Pete Doherty or his band Babyshambles have ever produced and this was something I thought would never be possible. The person ringing the bell was persistent and since none of my housemates were at home, I had to drag myself out of bed to go answer it, this turned out to be a big mistake.

There was a 4 feet girl vampire standing at the door, it scared the living bejesus out of me. It took me a while to regain my composure and I told the vampire girl that I had HIV and it would be in her best interest not to bite me. Her response was “Trick or Treat”. This was a bit unusual because there were still 5 days left for Halloween, not meaning to be rude I asked the little gal why she was out on the hunt so early, her eager reply was so that she could get more chocolates than the other children who would generally not even have the door opened for them on Halloween. So by going trick or treating early she could beat the masses and also get more people such as yours truly to open the door for her. Having said this, she went back to her line “Trick or Treat”. So there I was being held for ransom by a 6 year old for chocolate. Never being a chocoholic I knew there was no chocolate in the house and had to think of something quick as I didn’t want the little girl down. I ran to get my wallet to see if I had some loose change, but all I had was a £2 coin. I had no option but to grudgingly hand the coin over to the little missy and ask her to get some chocolate on her way home.

So here I am having lost my sleep and my £2 coin which I was planning on using to buy my breakfast with the next day. Thought I might as well add this on my blog to warn people from opening their front doors for the next 5 days as children have now become too enterprising for our good.